life.
-c
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
get free!
dear blog diary that nobody reads,
i hate that we constantly live in a state of fear.
i know this is supposed to be a happy, sunny blog so i will rephrase that now: i would love to be more free.
i don't want to (and shouldn't have to) be afraid of drawing cats and hopscotches and peace signs with chalk. but i sort of am because i could get into trouble for vandalism. i shouldn't have to be afraid of policemen and surveillance cameras seeing me put up anti-police and anti-surveillance stickers. it would be a dictatorship if there couldn't be more than one opinion expressed, right? it's all so crazy. take this afternoon for example. i had to resort to pumping my body full of high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine because i am drowsy as hell from accidentally buying not non-drowsy cough syrup. as i stood in front of the soda machine, in a little corner away from anyone, i really wanted to fix a wedgie that had occured. but then i realized a camera was recording my every move, and i got too nervous to do it potentially in front of the front-desk workers who have camera access.
oh, what to do about this abomination? i could get over myself and take more risks, do what i want despite the consequences, break out of this box of rules and norms and expectations built around us so people like me will feel too guilty or irresponsible or just plain scared to be free.
and i will do this.
little by little, i can feel my thought processes and ingrained conceptions and reality dismantling. this means i can transform. get free.
one day i will be able to compose my opinions in public without looking over my shoulder. one day i will have less fear, or at least more courage to outweigh the fear. and i'm very lucky because until then, i have a wonderful boy who can remind me of this when i start to doubt.
i just wish society was different. but it's not. wishing won't do anything. living how i want [no compromises] WILL do something. especially if living that way breaks me out of that box.
i think i finally understand the quote "get into trouble before it's too late."
--c
i hate that we constantly live in a state of fear.
i know this is supposed to be a happy, sunny blog so i will rephrase that now: i would love to be more free.
i don't want to (and shouldn't have to) be afraid of drawing cats and hopscotches and peace signs with chalk. but i sort of am because i could get into trouble for vandalism. i shouldn't have to be afraid of policemen and surveillance cameras seeing me put up anti-police and anti-surveillance stickers. it would be a dictatorship if there couldn't be more than one opinion expressed, right? it's all so crazy. take this afternoon for example. i had to resort to pumping my body full of high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine because i am drowsy as hell from accidentally buying not non-drowsy cough syrup. as i stood in front of the soda machine, in a little corner away from anyone, i really wanted to fix a wedgie that had occured. but then i realized a camera was recording my every move, and i got too nervous to do it potentially in front of the front-desk workers who have camera access.
oh, what to do about this abomination? i could get over myself and take more risks, do what i want despite the consequences, break out of this box of rules and norms and expectations built around us so people like me will feel too guilty or irresponsible or just plain scared to be free.
and i will do this.
little by little, i can feel my thought processes and ingrained conceptions and reality dismantling. this means i can transform. get free.
one day i will be able to compose my opinions in public without looking over my shoulder. one day i will have less fear, or at least more courage to outweigh the fear. and i'm very lucky because until then, i have a wonderful boy who can remind me of this when i start to doubt.
i just wish society was different. but it's not. wishing won't do anything. living how i want [no compromises] WILL do something. especially if living that way breaks me out of that box.
i think i finally understand the quote "get into trouble before it's too late."
--c
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